Ranking The Star Wars Ships & Vehicles

We’re almost there, boys and girls. The Force Awakens worldwide premiere was last night and if you’re like me, you’re counting down the hours until you can see it for yourself. To commemorate this historic occasion, I’ve put together some (needlessly?) exhaustive blog content related to my beloved Star Wars universe. Yesterday I ranked all of the villains within the franchise and today I tackle all of the vehicles. Heaven help me.

A quick primer for what did and did not make the list. As with yesterday’s list, I’m only working with what we see in the actual films themselves. Expanded universe content (TV shows, video games, books, comics, etc.) don’t count. I also threw out any ship whose name I could not readily identify, whether by calling upon my own nerdy knowledge or by looking directly at the Star Wars website. This eliminated a handful of carriers, frigates, and cargo ships that don’t really matter. And finally, I considered only the most important speeders and land-based transports. No one needs the definitive ranking of all the dumb taxis we cross paths with in Attack of the Clones or the various little machines that propagate the hangar bay. As with yesterday, feel free to chime in at madaboutmoviespodcast@gmail.com or @BGill12 on the Twitter. (And just like yesterday, I’m sure I’m missing some vital ship that you love and I’ll just have to deal with it.)

45. Gungan Bongo Submarine (Episode I)

The mechanical personification of everything that is wrong with the prequels. Not only is it a bad design (one of the few that I’ll actually call “bad”) but its sole purpose is to take us through a completely meaningless scene filled with superfluous creatures.

44. Trade Federation Landing Ship (Episode I)

There are other ships in the Star Wars universe that look dysfunctional but still work on screen. This one doesn’t. It’s a stupid design and when you see it move, you feel like you’re seeing a mistake.

43. Neimoidian Escort Shuttle (Episode I)

“What if we took a weird looking fish and turned it into a vehicle?” “Perfect!”

42. Podracers, all of them (Episode I)

I hate the podracing scene in Phantom Menace significantly less than most fans, I think, but I still find the design to be goofy and dumb. The scene itself could be made useful with a few edits and a better script but the actual look of these things just doesn’t work the way it should.

41. MTT (Episode I)

The MTT is too bulky and cumbersome to be effective in battle but much more importantly, its only purpose is to bring us more battle droids, an unforgivable sin in my book.

40. N-1 Starfighter (Episode I)

The lamest of all fighting ships within the Star Wars universe, it’s only fitting that this piece of garbage was once piloted by Jake Lloyd’s Anakin. This is basically the equivalent of flying a Cessna in a dogfight.

39. Naboo Royal Ship (Episode I)

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this ship, it just seems like a Flight of the Navigator knock-off. The original trilogy set the bar for those that came after it while the prequels borrowed too freely.

38. Solar Sailer (Episode II)

At first glance, you see the Solar Sailer and think, “That’s kind of cool.” But then on the rewatch or upon further consideration…why exactly does it need the sail thing? It doesn’t make sense!

37. Stap (Episode I)

If a Stormtrooper or a bounty hunter or a Jedi rode the Stap, it would be a pretty decent creation. But it’s so closely tied to the battle droid that I can’t see the good in it. Down with the battle droid!

36. Sandcrawler (Episode IV)

The Sandcrawler is an example of function over form. It does exactly what it is supposed to do but doesn’t really look great in the process.

35. AT-TE (Episodes II and III)

The original AT-AT (see below) looked awesome and terrifying at the same time. This one just looks too overloaded and a little bit ridiculous.

34. Republic Cruiser (Episode III)

The obvious predecessor to number 30, there’s nothing really wrong with this ship. It’s just a little ho-hum given that we already had familiarity with the design. Also the ship we see at the beginning of A New Hope looks very old so when did this cruiser go out of commission? Like the second Revenge of the Sith ended?

33. AT-RT (Episode III)

Like so many of the vehicles within the prequels, there’s simply no creativity being expended on the AT-RT. “Let’s just take the AT-ST and minimize it.” That’s it. There’s nothing wrong with it, it just doesn’t have the effect that you want from a Star Wars ship.

32. Trade Federation Battleship (Episode I)

It’s kind of sad that this is one of the better ships from Phantom Menace. So much wasted opportunity! On the plus side, the scale is sufficient and it does have some appeal from a menacing stand point. On the down side, it looks like a giant donut and probably belongs in the Babylon 5 universe, not Star Wars.

31. Swoop (Episode II)

Much like the AT-RT, the Swoop is basically a less-cool version of an awesome vehicle (the Speeder Bike). It’s fine but it doesn’t have anywhere near the panache of its predecessor (or descendant, depending on how you look at it).

30. Tantine 4 Alderaan Cruiser (Episode IV)

It’s supposed to look dingy and old when it makes its appearance in the opening scene of A New Hope and it succeeds in this. It serves its purpose but as giant space craft go, this one is fairly nondescript.

29. Republic Attack Cruiser (Episode III)

The predecessor of the Star Destroyer, the design element works here. It’s just that the actual look of the ship leaves something lacking.

28. X-34 Landspeeder (Episode IV)

Luke’s Landspeeder belongs in the pantheon of iconic vehicles from this universe, to be sure. But its functionality is incredibly weak. I guess it does what it’s supposed to but it doesn’t really bring much to the table. And when I was a kid, any vehicle that didn’t have a gun had no place in my war games.

27. ETA-2 Jedi Starfighter (Episode III)

Not bad but it shares too many similarities with the other prequel ships listed below. That’s part of the problem with these movies. The original ships all looked unique whereas pretty much every prequel ship comes off one familiar tree or another.

26. Arc-170 Starfighter (Episode III)

I think the Arc-170 would rank hirer if we’d just seen it in action a little more. Or, you know, at all. I truly only vaguely knew what the Arc-170 was and it took some research to really get a feel for what it does and where it exists in the film. It’s a cool design, though, so…what the heck.

25. Cloud Car (Episode V)

We only get a couple of glimpses of the Cloud Car and while I’m not totally sure how functional it is, it is a fun design and very unique. I do wonder, though, how it’s piloted. Does one side fly while the other shoots or do they both have steering wheels and just constantly fight over which direction they go? I hope it’s the latter.

24. Imperial Shuttle (Episode V and VI)

To my adolescent point on the Landspeeder, does this thing even have weapons? And yet…the design is terrific. The folding wings and the way in which it glides make this the neatest shuttle around.

23. Sith Infiltrator (Episode I)

The Infiltrator looks good and it gets bonus points for transporting Darth Maul, whom everyone knows to be awesome. But we barely see it in action and most of its screen time focuses entirely on the back end door hatch which is the dumbest part of the ship.

22. TIE Bomber (Episode V)

We don’t get to see the TIE Bomber deal out much damage and it doesn’t seem to move with as much speed or aggression as any of its relatives and thus it is the worst of the TIEs.

21. AAT Battle Tank (Episode I)

The design of the AAT is solid and it has a devastating effect in battle. If we could only remove its affiliation with the oft mentioned and never forgotten accursed battle droids, it probably jumps up the ranks a bit.

20. Delta-7 Jedi Starfighter (Episodes II and III)

The Delta-7 is only an above average creation on its own merits. But there’s something cool about the Hyperdrive expansion ring the Delta docks with in order to jump to lightspeed that I’ve always liked.

19. Vader’s TIE Fighter (Episode IV)

Also known as the Advanced TIE Fighter, the only thing advanced about it is that Darth Vader pilots it in A New Hope. Why this one instead of the standard TIE Fighter? Maybe it’s roomier on the inside. Regardless, for me it’s not quite as iconic as the original in spite of its patron.

18. Y-Wing (Episodes IV and VI)

The least of the Wing series (see below) but still an effective battleship. I would’ve loved to have seen these in action a little more but they were perpetually left on the outside looking in.

17. Death Star II (Episode VI)

I’ll cover the original Death Star here in a minute but in the history of great sci-fi inventions, has there ever been a bigger let down than the second Death Star? From a story standpoint, it totally works as an example of the Empire’s arrogance. But this thing was billed as the ultimate battle station, even bigger and better than the 1.0 version, and mostly all it does is blow up one frigate before bites the space dust.

16. AT-ST (Episode VI)

On screen, the AT-ST is a bit flimsy and doesn’t have the sort of impact than its bigger brother has. However, the AT-ST toy is one of the greatest toys in the history of toys. I had plenty of ships and vehicles in my collection as a kid but none of them were as much fun to play with as the AT-ST. So many working parts and little features.

15. Republic Attack Gunship (Episode II)

We don’t get nearly enough time with this ship (once again, the decision the relegate the actual Clone Wars themselves to a cartoon TV series instead of using them in the movies is a travesty) but when a host of these ships roll up on Dooku in the climax of Attack of the Clones, they do some serious damage and look cool in the process.

14. Grievous Wheel Blade (Episode III)

Initially I had the Wheel Blade ranked much higher but as friend-and-sometimes-podcast-contributor Jason Davidson pointed out, “I completely forgot about that thing until just now.” Very good point. In a universe filled with iconic and interesting vehicles, can you really crack the top 10 if you’re basically an afterthought? Obviously not.

13. A-Wing (Episode VI)

I was OBSESSED with the A-Wing as a kid, despite the fact that it’s barely involved in the films. There are two reasons for this obsession. One, the pilot kamikazes the Super Star Destroyer and takes it down, a pivotal sequence in the film. And two, the A-Wing pilot was one of only four Star Wars action figures I could never get into my collection and thus it was important to me.

12. Home One Mon Calamari Starcruiser (Episode VI)

The Home One is proof that a simple design can be both elegant and effective in battle. Admiral Ackbar’s base of operation, the Home One looks stylish and smooth while still presenting a worthy adversary for the standard Star Destroyer.

11. Slave I (Episode II and V)

Of course Boba Fett rides around in a weirdly shaped, strangely designed, mysteriously named starship that even flies in an odd way. It’s perfectly fitting for Boba Fett’s International Man of Mystery mystique. I’m not sure how functional the Slave I is but it’s always captured my imagination.

10. B-Wing (Episode VI)

I love the B-Wing. I can’t really explain that as we barely see it in action and surely its odd design can’t be completely functional. But it’s completely unique and the toy (which was HUGE, by the way) was always a favorite of mine.

9. Death Star I (Episode IV)

On paper, the Death Star I is a top 3 Star Wars ship. It’s iconic and even casual viewers can tell you what the Death Star is. Plus, it has the power to obliterate entire planets in the blink of an eye. But. BUT. It can be taken down with a single blast from a tiny one man ship. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this plot point and think it is a perfect illustration of the differences between the Empire and the Alliance. But that kind of thing definitely hurts your street cred.

8. TIE Interceptor (Episode VI)

We don’t get nearly as much time with the Interceptor as we do with the standard TIE Fighter. But in this case, that element of the unknown works in its favor. You look at the Interceptor and you just know that bad boy can do some damage. What an awesome upgrade on the original.

7. Snowspeeder (Episode V)

Look, let’s call a spade a spade. There’s no real rhyme or reason that the Snowspeeder would come equipped with a harpoon gun on the back. It’s as if the Rebels knew the Empire would send giant robot elephants to attack them and they’d need to take out their knees. But ignoring that small coincidental issue…HOW COOL ARE THE SNOWSPEEDERS?! Am I alone in this? That design is killer and their underdog effectiveness is fantastic. Am I too excited about this? Am I Dak? I don’t want to be Dak, you guys.

6. Speeder Bike (Episode VI)

This is what happens when you combine excellent and creative design with a spectacular action sequence. Standing alone, the Speeder Bike is a cool vehicle but not much more. But when you add in the chase through the jungle, it suddenly becomes a top 10 entry. And again, the toy was really cool. (Last time I mention the toys, okay? Just kidding, one more coming.)

5. TIE Fighter (Episodes IV-VI)

All cards on the table, I had the TIE Fighter much lower on this list originally. There are so many TIE spin offs that I fell into the trap of crediting their different looks and nifty toys as making them better than the original. But as a friend pointed out, the original TIE Fighter is one of the iconic ships you think of when you think about Star Wars and the sound they make is even more iconic.

4. X-Wing (Episodes IV-VI)

The X-Wing is basically the exact opposite of the Death Star, which is fitting. On paper, it’s kind of a dinky ship and clearly isn’t a well-respected piece of machinery in this universe. You get the feeling that showing up to a battle in an X-Wing is like jumping into a pick-up basketball game wearing L.A. Gear sneakers instead of Nikes. And yet, it carves out a soft spot in your heart due to its hard work and the glorious way in which it takes down the big bully on the block.

3. Star Destroyer (Episodes IV-VI)

I’m combining the standard Star Destroyers in with the Super Star Destroyer. These things look great, they’re terrifyingly effective in battle, and they’re everywhere. You get the feeling that the Empire has thousands of these suckers laying around, just waiting to be deployed and that absolutely adds to the understanding of just how hopeless the Rebels’ fight against the Empire really is.

2. AT-AT (Episode V)

There are probably cooler vehicles and ships in the Empire’s repertoire and there are probably more effective vehicles as well. But the way in which the AT-ATs burst on to the scene and the message they send elevates the AT-AT to its lofty perch on this list. There are a dozen ways the Empire could’ve wiped the Rebel base off the face of Hoth but instead they chose to drop these monsters to the ground and watch their adversaries scatter in terror.

1. Millennium Falcon (Episodes IV-VI)

Did you really expect anything else at this spot? The Millennium Falcon is not just the coolest, most iconic vehicle in the Star Wars universe. It’s the coolest, most iconic vehicle in the history of film. Even the most devoted Star Wars hater could identify the Falcon. And the thing about it is, it’s awesome almost in spite of itself. How many times does one character or another mock this disjointed, weird looking bucket of bolts? And yet, time and time again, it comes through. The Falcon’s design is perfect in its imperfection. And if I may say so, the toy version is perhaps the best Christmas present I ever received. If you don’t love the Falcon, I don’t know if we can be friends.

Ranking The Star Wars Villains

As I’m assuming you know, this week marks both the beginning and end of something very special to approximately 800 billion people worldwide: It’s the beginning of a new Star Wars trilogy (and the universe beyond) and (hopefully) the end to the wait for a proper Star Wars sequel. Listeners of this show know how much I love this universe and how excited I have been for the last three years waiting for this week to arrive. To celebrate the occasion, we’ve recorded a ton of special podcasts which have been releasing over the last two weeks and I’m working on putting together some kind of Star Wars-related content each day this week for the blog.

Today I present to you, dear reader and listener, the (my) definitive ranking of every villain within the Star Wars movie universe. Two quick disclaimers: One, I chose not to include creatures. Maybe rancors are actually very gentle beings unless they’re forced to kill for the entertainment or Jabba and maybe the space worm (now known as an exogorth thanks to the Internet) just didn’t want a spaceship landing in its throat. We don’t know, so they’ve been tossed out. And two, this list pertains only to the six Star Wars films, NOT the expanded universe. While I have some experience with the expanded universe (books, video games, comics, TV shows, etc.), there’s far too much of it to consider in this space. So these 26 baddies are ranked based only on what sort of impact they made within the films themselves. Enjoy and feel free to send in your thoughts to madaboutmoviespodcast@gmail.com or @MAM_Podcast or @BGill12 on the Twitter. (Also, I’m sure there are small errors or exclusions and I’ll just have to live with that.)

26. Nute Gunray (Episodes I and II)

There is nothing even remotely positive anyone can say about Nute Gunray and the entire Trade Federation story line that dominates the plot of Phantom Menace. He’s obnoxious, his voice is borderline offensive, and he looks like a puppet that got rejected by Fraggle Rock.

25. Battle Droids (Episodes I and II)

In so many ways, the prequels are such a huge regression from the original trilogy and nowhere is that more apparent than the battle droids. It doesn’t really make sense that in this universe, the bad guys would downgrade from robot killing machines to humans who can’t hit the broad side of a barn with a blaster and it makes even less sense that these robots would speak as if they were all practicing for an open mike night. Even with all the other issues, the prequels come up a grade or two just by removing these guys from the mix.

24. Zam Wesell (Episode II)

The only good thing you can say about Zam is at least she (he?) dies quickly. A Jango Fett patsy in Attack of the Clones, he/she shape shifts while botching an assassination attempt that sets the entire plot of the film spinning. Worthless.

23. Greedo (Episode IV)

Greedo slides down here to the bottom of the list because he overstepped his boundaries. You might have thought yourself a decent bounty hunter, Greedo, but you were not ready to step into the ring with pre-carbonite Han Solo and come out alive. You couldn’t even get a shot off, bro. (See what I did there?) And now you’re green toast.  

22. Watto (Episode I)

The biggest issue with Watto is that I think he would’ve been a menacing or at least interesting villain in the original trilogy. If Han and Leia roll up on a Watto character in Jedi, I imagine he has an edge to him and the creature design isn’t comical and maybe he actually adds something to the story. As he stands, he’s a symptom of the issues within Phantom Menace and basically doesn’t have a reason to exist.

21. Bib Fortuna (Episode VI)

Great creature design on Mr. Fortuna and he plays the part of creepy majordomo quite well. But when your own boss calls you a “weak minded fool”…well, you’re probably not long for this list.

20. Imperial Generals, Admirals, and Captains (Episodes IV-VI)

I grouped these dudes together in part because most of them are virtually nameless on screen and in part because they’re almost all terrible at their jobs and/or really good at angering Darth Vader. From Admirals Motti and Ozzel to Generals Tagge and and Veers on down to Captain Needa, these guys exist pretty much just to hold back Vader and Company and pretty much all get choked out at some point. Only Captain-turned-Admiral Piett seems to accomplish anything but he, too, winds up dead. Tough job.

19. Clone Troopers (Episode III)

I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I was in the clone troopers. Whenever the Clone Wars received mention in the original trilogy, I had visions of some grand spectacle and appropriate soldiers. Instead, the prequels virtually passed over the Clone Wars and all we got were some super CGI-y Stormtrooper knock-offs. Their programmed shift against the Jedi is a cool moment but it doesn’t make up for how meh they turned out in the first place.

18. Sebulba (Episode I)

As a character and from a design standpoint, Sebulba isn’t far off from being a cool secondary villain. Unfortunately, his dialogue is atrocious and like most of Phantom Menace, he comes across altogether too childish.

17. Magnaguards (Episode III)

Magnaguards start off pretty well. A group of them put Obi Wan and Anakin to the test at the beginning of Revenge of the Sith and their electrostaffs are effective both visually and in combat. But in their second appearance, Obi Wan dispenses of them so easily that we are left to believe that the first go ‘round must have been an aberration.

16. Royal Guards (Episode VI)

Of all the B-characters within the original trilogy, I think the Royal Guards probably look the coolest. Those red robes are baller and they carry some sort of spear that you just know can do some nasty things. And yet, they’re nowhere to be found when Luke and Vader fight it out and don’t even bother to come to Palpatine’s defense when Vader chucks him down shaft. Weird time for a smoke break, guys.

15. Tusken Raiders (Episodes I, II, and IV)

Tuskens look like something out of Mad Max and I mean that as a compliment. Plus, these dudes are incredibly primitive in virtually every way and yet they terrify everyone on Tatooine so you know they make the most of their limited intelligence and resources.

14. Count Dooku (Episodes II and III)

To be honest with you, I have Dooku this high only out of respect for Christopher Lee, a great actor who did some amazing work in his career. But frankly, Dooku is a major let down. Sure, he imprisons Obi Wan and Anakin but only after they both mysteriously forget how to use the Force for 20 minutes of screen time. Then Mace Windu shows up and Dooku immediately tucks tail. And when he returns in Revenge of the Sith, he promptly loses his hands and head. Lame. Plus, his name is definitely a word for poop in one language or another.

13. Bounty Hunters (Episode V)

This group (Bossk, Zuckuss, 4-LOM, IG-88, and Dengar) displays some of the best creature design within the entirety of the Star Wars universe. If only we actually got to spend some time with them! There’s plenty on this crew in the expanded universe but within these six movies, we get virtually nothing on them. And yet they landed this high because they’re so dadgum COOL looking. Even Dengar, who was definitely just a homeless dude they brought on set at the last minute.

12. Storm, Snow, and Scout Troopers (Episodes IV-VI)

Stormtroopers (and their kin) take a lot of flak for not being able to shoot anything except Jawas and rightly so. It’s weird that the Empire put Stevie Wonder in charge of their shooting range but I guess Vader had a soft spot for “Songs in the Key of Life.” Regardless of their shooting ability, their armor game is on point and when a huge group of them march in, you get a little chill down your spine.

11. Jango Fett (Episode II)

Another “what could have been” casualty from the prequels. What happens if you take a bounty hunter (easily the most awesome vocation in the known universe) who is so wicked that someone builds an entire army out of his DNA, give him super cool armor and add in an actor who can actually act and a screenwriter who can actually write? You probably get an iconic villain. Instead…kind of a letdown. On the plus side, he totally hangs with Obi Wan and even quasi wins their standoff…only to get beheaded in one second when Mace Windu shows up.

10. Anakin Skywalker (Episode III)

Bad acting aside (and trust me, that’s a HUGE aside), Anakin’s turn in the back half of Revenge of the Sith is incredibly dark and horrifying. He just straight up murders a bunch of kids. There’s so much more that could be drawn out of his shift but as it is, it’s still one of the more well-done elements of the prequels.

9. General Grievous (Episode III)

Grievous is incredibly well designed and comes across as menacingly as an entirely CGI character possibly could. He presents a great challenge to Obi Wan and he’s a fearsome fighter. The problem is, almost all of what should be the best Grievous content is relegated to the cartoon series and the rest of the expanded universe. He basically has no place in the actual movies so he never matters the way he should.

8. Darth Maul (Episode I)

The marketing for Phantom Menace was EVERYWHERE in 1999 and the most interesting, exciting part of the whole thing was Darth Maul. Star Wars lifers such as myself could not wait to get a look at Maul on the screen. And then he showed up and he was AWESOME. And then he showed up again and he was even MORE awesome! And then he got cut in half. And then he fell down a shaft. And that was the end of him. Why do you have to tease us so, George?!

7. Boba Fett (Episodes V and VI)

An international man of mystery if ever there was one, I would wager that no character in the Star Wars universe has a greater ratio of screen time to expanded universe content. As a nerdy society, we are OBSESSED with Boba Fett. There are entire video games, books, graphic novels, and fan films devoted exclusively to Boba Fett and while I totally get it because I, too, think he’s incredibly cool, it is kind of funny that someone who has perhaps three lines in the entire franchise and dies in the most throw-away manner imaginable could capture our collective imagination in such a way.

6. Emperor Palpatine (Episodes V and VI)

Obviously Palpatine is the great evil within the galaxy far far away and he drives the narrative from behind the scenes. On screen, he’s creepy and fully illustrates the way in which absolute power destroys a man. But because of his physical state and his arrogance, we only briefly see him turn his power loose and as such, the real lasting image we have of him is the way he dies which is hardly befitting of a truly great villain.

5. Grand Moff Tarkin (Episode IV)

Initially, I had Tarkin a bit lower on my list but a friend talked me into his current spot. The destruction of Alderaan gets overlooked when you consider all the events of these films but that’s a pretty big deal to just flip past. For no other reason than to show off the power of his new toy and torture a 19 year old girl, Tarkin killed BILLIONS OF PEOPLE. I’m not sure even the Emperor himself is that evil.

4. Jabba the Hutt (Episode VI)

Jabba’s particular brand of villainy is simple: the dude wants money and respect and that’s pretty much it. Despite being a galactic slug, there’s a familiarity to him that I can’t help but appreciate. You don’t pay him his money? He freezes you and displays you for all to see. You try to sneak in and steal his prize? Guess what, now you have to wear a humiliating slave costume. Jabba doesn’t get near enough credit for being the great villain that he is, to the point that the Emperor and Vader would rather treaty with him than try to fight him outright.

3. Darth Sidious (Episodes I-III)

There are many, many failings within the prequels but Darth Sidious is one of the few elements that Lucas got right. If you cleaned up his dialogue (seriously, Lucas’s dialogue gets worse on every viewing), he’d be a perfect political villain. He’s slimy in the most charismatic way and he wields the tool of manipulation just as well if not better than a lightsaber. And yet, when it gets down to the gettin’ down, Sidious takes out Mace Windu (with the help of Anakin, of course) and battles Yoda to a draw. He’s a great villain lost in a sea of awful writing and bad CGI.

2. Darth Vader (Episodes IV-VI)

The case for Vader has been handled ad nauseam so I’ll just say this: I think Darth Vader is the most iconic villain in the history of cinema. I’m sure there are plenty of other worthy contestants but you would be hard pressed to find a movie watcher between the ages of 8 and 60 who would not be able to identify him or at least acknowledge that he is the bad guy from Star Wars. He’s menacing and terrifying but most of all, he has that PRESENCE that demands attention. In the macro, overall view of film as a whole, Darth Vader is synonymous with “villain.” And yet…

1. Jar Jar Binks (Episodes I-III)

…in the micro view of just this franchise, Jar Jar is undoubtedly the greatest villain. Now look, if you listen to this podcast or read my writing, you know that I love bits and jokes more than just about anyone. But I really mean this; it’s not a bit. As much as this fanboy would like to ignore him, Jar Jar has become a huge part of the conversation revolving around this franchise. He brings about feelings such as hate, disgust, anger, and a little bit of fear. (What Star Wars fan hasn’t expressed even a modicum of doubt regarding The Force Awakens in light of Jar Jar?) We’ve gone so far as to release edits of the prequels that cut him out entirely. Even Lucas himself seemed to grasp the horrible mistake he’d made in allowing Jar Jar into his beloved universe by giving him the deciding vote in Revenge of the Sith to award Senator Palpatine unlimited power. That’s a stroke of genius! I freaking hate Jar Jar and so does just about everyone who’s ever claimed to have some connection or affinity to this universe. He’s the villain we deserve, not the villain we need. Jar Jar is basically the Donald Trump of Star Wars and because of that, he’s earned this crown.

Back & Forth: The End of the Tour

Sometimes films come out that we all see—but don’t record an episode on. When this happens, we often times still discuss them. Brian and Richard recently had an e-mail exchange regarding James Ponsoldt’s newest film, The End of the Tour.

Richard Bardon: So I come at this from the angle of a fan more than you probably do. David Foster Wallace (DFW), in a lot of ways (and certainly not uniquely) defined my early 20s. The novels, the journalism, the public persona were super interesting to me from the moment I started shaving (I started shaving around 23). It's hard for me to wrap my brain around this film critically because writers--like podcast hosts--are very intimate and actually live inside my brain. I was so happy to just see my friend DFW again (and not have to imagine him) that I came out of the theatre just insanely happy. I'd be interested in your more critical and measured eye to this film as a whole. What worked? And, more importantly, what didn't?

Brian Gill: You and I tend to come at things from a very similar positions (except for your undying love for Chandler Parsons). As such, it's always interesting when we have completely different viewpoints or, in this case, starting points. DFW was not on my radar until just before (or just after?) his death. I think I was too young to catch the initial Infinite Jest wave and too old for the second wave to have the kind of impact on me that it did with your kind (cardigan enthusiasts). I think I've read (or perhaps Cliff Notes-ed) Brief Interviews with Hideous Men but that memory has been replaced by the film version because I am, as you know, a John Krasinski Truther. That said, I see massive similarities between DFW and a person who had a comparable impact on my life: Kurt Cobain. Both incredibly talented, both geniuses in their own right, and both tragically tortured. 

As far as the movie is concerned, you were quite right to recommend it as highly as you did. While I don't know DFW like you do, I found Jason Segel's portrayal to be borderline perfect, both as it pertains to DFW himself and the "type" as a whole. It's a humble, quiet performance that may unfortunately miss out on big award talk due to its lack of flair but we've seen a lot of (really good) films this year and how many performances have been better? One or two? He's fantastic. I wasn't quite as high on Eisenberg's work here as you were (elaborate, if you will) but that could easily be Now You See Me/Lex Luthor clouding my brain. More likely, I watched the movie on my home TV while doing other things and Segel's stuff was much easier to lock in on than Eisenberg's. I think this film is bound to find a spot on my top ten list (unless Krampus turns out to be even better than I expect!). 

So how did Segel's portrayal hold up for a DFW fan and did the tone of the film strike the right chord?

Also I just accidentally watched 90 seconds of Two Broke Girls while writing this email and I fear I may have angered the spirt of DFW. 

Richard Bardon: I suppose an attempted rebuttal to your various points and insults would carry more weight if I wasn't, at this very moment, wearing a brand new navy cardigan. Alas, I'll push on. 

I like your DFW/Cobain reference. There's a lot of similarities there, for sure. The grunge aesthetic, the super-sensitive personality, the mental health issues. I've also always found similarities betweeen DFW and Eminem, surprisingly enough. I think their relationship with words and ideas were similar. Their brains pacing and racing to find every possible meaning of a phrase. And also, a super-sensitive personality. 

RE: your point about Brief Interviews, that is actually the only book of Wallace's that I actively don't care for. It literally took me almost 9 years to complete it and it's not even that long. It never captured me. Is that movie any good? I've never sat down to watch it. I found the trailer off-putting (while I'm also a fan of Krasinski, I'm not to your level of lust). 

Segel definitely captured what I imagine (and Youtube has shown me) DFW to be interpersonally. The wincing, the way he framed his ideas in really casually phrasing, and the posture all seemed pitch perfect. I just think Eisenberg had an even harder task because his character is written with a little more to do. DFW, in this film, is basically "I'm smarter than everyone when it comes to writing. I'm not smarter than everyone when it comes to life. I'm really just trying to be happy in a basic way. I'm going to kill myself in 12 years, and this will add pathos to things I'm saying now." Whereas Eisenberg has to be insanely jealous, but also insanely in awe of this great, great writer. There's a speed, wit, and love in his performance that I just found really affecting. It was as if J. Daniel Atlas put a spell on me and made me unable to remember the films of Eisenberg in recent years.

Sticking with Jesse, though. I know we hate on him for NYSM, Lex Luthor, and some other work. But isn't he putting together a pretty interesting career? Think about how many movies that this guy has done in the last 8 or 9 years that were either loudly fantastic performances or truly terrible films. He's also written some decently-received short stories and done some well-received theatre work. 

I say all of this to say, is Jesse Eisenberg the real James Franco? 

How do you feel about these type of films in general?  The long conversation piece between 2 or 3 characters. This is definitely it's own genre with a new entry every few years (My Dinner w/ Andre comes to mind, and the Before Midnight series of films). I tend to love these type of pieces, but it's certainly a tightrope to walk. As a far better critic than me, what makes these work when they work?

Brian Gill: I'm actually quite jealous of your cardigan game. I lack the joie de vivre required to pull off such fashion articles. Also Nike doesn't make cardigans and I don't want to violate the exclusive Nike endorsement agreement I'm sure to receive in the future. 

Brief Interviews was a fairly meh movie. Kind of your typical post-film school talkie. That material is better served, I think, on the stage over the screen. But Krasinski pulled in a great cast (I imagine because he is literally be nicest person in the entire world and everyone wants to work with him including me) and showed some flair behind the camera. He should probably do more of that and less "have terrible luck that routinely finds him taking roles that should be good but turn out to be a filmmakers worst effort ever." 

I want to continue the Segel conversation for a minute, though. I've been a fan for a long time, back to his days on Freaks and Geeks (RIP) and the early years of How I Met Your Mother before that show Robert Ford-ed its audience. I've always been impressed with his comedic versatility; the ability to jump from Forgetting Sarah Marshall to The Muppets while serving as the grounding force behind a popular sitcom is something special. But I didn't know he had this kind of performance in him. I'm interested to see if this is the kind of thing we can expect from him moving forward or if this was such a personal performance that it's kind of like catching lightning in a bottle. 

Regarding Eisenberg: He is very, VERY good at playing a certain type. I don't know that he has much range or the aforementioned versatility (the idea of him as Lex Luthor still makes me cringe) but when he's in his element, he can be excellent. To your point, he is fantastic in this, he deserved his Oscar nomination for Social Network, and Zombieland is one of the funniest movies of the past decade. 

The problem is (and perhaps this is unfair projection) he seems like he's at his best when he's playing some version of himself and his self is kind of a tool. So if he's playing a tool and the script isn't great or his performance is lacking or it's just not a great movie, I immediately turn on him and the movie as a whole. He's just so stinking confident in his toolishness. For me, he may always be someone whose talent I respect but whose films I will never truly look forward to. And sometimes I'll be surprised, like I was here or like I will be when Now You See Me: The Second Act sweeps the Oscars. 

Films like The End of the Tour, (mostly) two-person conversation pieces, occupy an odd space for me. I always enjoy them but I rarely seek them out. I think that's partly because I am, if nothing else, a "critic" for the common man and thus, I spend most of my movie watching time ingesting pop culturally-relevant films that my hypothetical audience cares about. But this is also an indictment of the limited release/art house theater process. I rarely have the occasion to see this type of film in a theater without driving 40 miles and any movie I watch at home usually gets between 60 and 70 percent of my ADD-riddled attention. I prefer to watch Insurgent (which is TERRIBLE) over My Dinner with Andre, despite knowing how far superior the latter is to the former, because I'm rarely able to just sit and watch a movie at home for two hours without getting distracted. So I get excited about these movies...and then I can't see them in a theater...and then I forget about them...and then when they finally are available to me, I think "Yeah but Hot Tub Time Machine 2 is also available so..." If more End of the Tour-like films were readily available at my local multiplex, I'd see far more of them and I'd love them, because when the chemistry is right, when the setting fits the characters, and when the writing allows the conversation to flow naturally, this is one of the more enjoyable film genres for me personally. 

Talk to me about Infinite Jest. What makes it such a life changing (or defining?) book? And since this is a movie blog, is it filmable?

Richard Bardon: Well I guess I'll have to order another Cardigans R Us gift card for someone for Christmas.  

I'll tackle your various interesting points in order:

Where and when did HIMYM fly off the rails for you? I watched the show in syndication exclusively, and enjoyed it, and was unaware of the notion of it pooping on its fan base. 

I think Segel is capable of more of these performances and I think a lot of that was already apparent in Forgetting Sarah Marshall which I one of the rangier comedic performances of the last ten or so years. I still think he writes best for himself and I don't know why he stopped after the Muppets. 

J. Daniel Atlas already stole the Academy Award envelope and put his name inside. It's already decided, my friend. 

I don't think Jest is remotely filmable--though I'd be willing to give it a shot as guess who has the rights? Parks and Rec creator and noted DFW super-fan Michael Schur. 

I assumed you'd like these type of films, I think the interview is a medium we share a love for and I wish it was portrayed on film more often.  I loved the set up of this film, even if it wasn't DFW-specific. 

Infinite Jest is just an insane tour de force that combines Wallace's humor, paranoia, grammarian/linguistics inclinations, and love of tennis into a singular narrative. I think the book is popular more for its force of intelligence than its plot. It's 3 separate but parallel stories about a tennis clinic, rehab clinic, and doomsday scenario that all tie together. Mostly, it discovered a type of novelistic voice that was previously unseen. For instance, the book has 200 pages of footnotes. This isn't an academic index either. It's notes on the text from the author. Basically, he's adding commentary and context as he writes. Like a pre-Wikipedia or genius.com. Flip through it next time you're at a bookstore, it's insane. 

Brian Gill:There is a very good chance that my son (who is 2) will never set foot in a bookstore by his own choosing. He's ventured into Barnes and Noble with me a time or two but it's very likely that he'll never drive himself to a bookstore to browse. How sad is that?

The HIMYM trainwreck is almost untouchable in its awfulness. I loved that show for the first 4ish seasons, enjoyed it for the next 3, tolerated season 8, and wanted to fight anyone and everyone involved with it during the last season. It stopped being truly funny about halfway through its run but did a very good job of handling the serious issues of growing up (a death, a character discovering they couldn't have kids, etc.). The whole thing ran out of steam in maybe season 7 and they just kept dragging a rotting carcass around for 50 more episodes. The last season is unquestionably the worst last season of a long running sitcom ever. It would be like if The Office decided Jim should cheat on Pam with Meredith and then acted like that's what we were hoping for the whole time. It was basically the exact opposite of Parks and Rec's Victory Tour final season and it tainted the entire show. I feel dirty every time I catch a rerun now. DFW would've killed himself all over again if he'd been alive to see it. (I'll edit that joke out, that's just for you.)

This is just a superb movie, dude. Such a smarter way of presenting a true to life story without going the full, tired biopic route. The difficulty level is much higher on this than a standard biopic but if it works, like this does, you end up with an excellent product. End of the Tour fits pretty well with Steve Jobs and Love & Mercy as this year's examples of the way to build a better biopic. Loved it.