The Worst Movies of 2016

I think it’s fair to say 2016 wasn’t our best year in virtually any capacity. Whether it be movies, celebrity deaths, or the political current climate, there’s a substantial amount of evidence to suggest we somehow stumbled into The Darkest Timeline. The movie year started out with some promise but faded hard during the summer months, the time during which most viewers typically get their fill of the cinema. That’s not to say there weren’t plenty of good, even great, movies this year. It’s just that most of them were smaller, indie/arthouse films which don’t resonate (for a variety of reasons) with the average movie goer. I’m excited to talk on the podcast and write about my favorite films of this year in the coming days but I think it’s important to point out that most of the movies that find a place on THIS list (in fact, all but one) had large budgets and big advertising campaigns whereas most of the films that make my top ten list are smaller in scale, budget, and market saturation. Some years are like that, to be sure, but this highlights the fact that 2016 feels like such a flop is because so many of the blockbusters failed to deliver. There were a LOT of movies that earned consideration for this list, more than I can remember in the recent past. Movies like Ghostbusters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, The Huntsman 2, Tarzan, and a host of others would be locks here in most previous years but stood no chance against the worst of the worst in 2016. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

DISHONORABLE MENTION: Assassin’s Creed (Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 16%

I never cared much for the video game this movie is based upon but I thought if ever there could be a good film adaptation of a video game, this was probably it. Welp. Looks like we’ll never get the great video game movie the industry continues to insist we need. Assassin’s Creed is a mess of a script which could possibly be overlooked if the effects and action scenes worked well. Alas, they do not. What a massive waste of time for Fassbender and Cotillard both.

10. Swiss Army Man (Paul Dano, Daniel Radcliffe)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 68%

There are a lot of people whose opinions I respect who will tell you Swiss Army Man is an excellent film. To that end, I will concede that perhaps this is a case of a movie being “not for me” rather than specifically “bad.” Even so, Swiss Army Man struck me so poorly that I couldn’t even finish it, quite a feat for a completist like me. I contend that if this exact same movie was directed in the exact same way by the Farrelly brothers instead of Daniels (Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert), the “farting corpse movie” would wind up sub-20% on Rotten Tomatoes.

9. Alice Through the Looking Glass (Mia Wasikowski, Johnny Depp, Sacha Baron Cohen)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 30%

Every year, I feel like we’ve reached the peak of “Unnecessary Sequel Madness” and then every year we see the sickness spread even further. It’ll be hard for 2017 (or any year to come) to top 2016 in this category, however. Did ANYBODY walk out of 2010’s Alice in Wonderland demanding a sequel in which Alice pretends to be Elizabeth Swann? Was ANYBODY clamoring to know the origin story behind the Mad Hatter? Is there ANYBODY who was dying to have Borat join the Alice universe? Apparently only very confused Disney executives need answer these questions.

8. Warcraft (Travis Fimmel, Ben Foster, Toby Kebbell)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 28%

One of the bigger movie sins in my book is the wasting of talent (see: Fassbender and Cotillard above) on a terrible movie. In this case, I’m referring to Duncan Jones, a superstar filmmaker in the making who unfortunately hitched his horse to the wrong passion project. Warcraft took what seems like a decade to produce, keeping Jones out of the mix for more worthy projects, and ultimately flopped miserably in the U.S. A strong take overseas doesn’t offset the fact that the movie is atrocious in terms of scripting, performances, and (perhaps worst of all) look. The ugly, dated special effects only lend themselves to the feeling that this movie was three years past its expiration date before it ever debuted.

7. Gods of Egypt (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Gerard Butler, Brenton Thwaites)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 16%

The fact that Gods of Egypt is ONLY seventh on this list should give you some indication of what a difficult year 2016 really was. Make no mistake, this an aggressively bad, embarrassingly produced film that is somehow worse on screen than in (terrible) concept. Who doesn’t think “Egyptian!” when they hear Gerard Butler’s dulcet tones? Heavy on ugly special effects and light on everything else, the one defense I can muster for Gods of Egypt is at least everyone (including the cast, I think) knew it was going to be terrible and thus, there is virtually no opportunity lost.

6. Now You See Me 2 (Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Mark Ruffalo)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 34%

In truth, NYSM2 is likely worse than some of the other films ahead of it on this prestigious list. In terms of sheer lack of necessity, NYSM2 probably outranks every other misguided movie of the year (and as noted above, 2016 was full of films that fit this bill). Even if you did NOT hate the first Now You See Me (I can only assume because you were drunk when you saw it or it was the first movie you had ever seen), I can’t imagine you walked out wondering aloud when you could return to the magic of this franchise. In all the Multiverse, there is not a single universe, dimension, or alternative world in which a Now You See Me series is needed or even wanted. The smugness of this sequel, the gall with which it stakes its claim to franchise status, and the excruciatingly stupid way in which the narrative unwinds itself should seat NYSM2 at or near the top of almost any worst of the year list. (How the Rotten Tomatoes score on this one isn’t below 10% is beyond me.) And yet…I have a soft spot for the utter idiocy of these movies because, after all, they’ve given our show so many hours of jokes and commentary and I guess that counts for something. Keep doing you, Now You See Me.

5. Suicide Squad (Will Smith, Margot Robbie, Joel Kinnaman)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 26%

I knew Batman V Superman (see below) was going to be terrible. There were too many bad signs and too much Snyder to reasonably expect otherwise. But Suicide Squad had a chance, with a solid cast and a director who ostensibly knows what he’s doing. Didn’t quite work out that way, did it? Badly designed characters, incredibly lackluster/mailed in performances, and probably the worst script I saw put to screen all came together to create a stew no one could easily stomach. I’m still not sure what exactly Jared Leto’s Joker brought to the table and by all accounts Leto doesn’t know, either. I’ll also never be able to shake the image of Cara Delevinge’s embarrassing voodoo dance, the stuff of my nightmares. But hey, at least there’s also a lot of casual racism! David Ayer bears a great deal of responsibility for this train wreck but Suicide Squad has also convinced me that the WB-DC tree has been poisoned and it’ll take a decade of good films to erase that conviction. But hey, at least it kept Hot Topic in business for another year!

4. Independence Day Resurgence (Liam Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 31%

I’m not one for proclaiming that a new sequel/prequel/reboot is “ruining my childhood.” But, wow, Resurgence pushed me to the limit. Independence Day is to this day one of my three favorite memories in a theater and this unwanted sequel seriously threatened to take that from me. If you’re going to do a sequel to a movie 20 years after the fact, you better have a great idea, you better be able to add something to the franchise’s legacy, and you better be able to find the appropriate tone to match the original. Strike one, two, and three. If you’re looking for even one positive about Resurgence, I guess you can point to the bus chase sequence but even that moment, the only real attempt at “fun” in the entire movie, is the result of a series of truly bizarre and genuinely awful “plot” developments that include Judd Hirsch adopting a group of orphans. Exactly what I was looking for in my alien destruction movie, to be honest.

3. Zoolander 2 (Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Penelope Cruz)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 23%)

Be honest: You forgot that Zoolander 2 came out in 2016, didn’t you? Maybe you forgot Zoolander 2 ever existed and if that’s the case, I’m very jealous of you. I’ve never been just a huge fan of the original Zoolander but it has its place. Having seen the sequel, I believe that place to be 2001. As with the previously mentioned unnecessary sequels, if you don’t have anything to add to your existing franchise, then just leave it alone. Zoolander 2 isn’t just wholly unfunny (offensively unfunny, if we’re being honest), it’s also oppressively stale, as if all of the “jokes” were written in 2001 (and perhaps they were). If this movie was released as a straight-to-DVD offering in 2004, it is simply “bad” and we all move on with our lives. But as a wide release in 2016, it’s historically bad.

2. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk (Joe Alwyn, Garrett Hedlund, Kristen Stewart)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 45%

With every other film on this list, even the one that follows, I can see how a critic could wind up with a positive or “fresh” review. I clearly don’t agree with anyone who gave, say, Gods of Egypt a good review, and I might even think they’re blatantly wrong, but I can at least see what they might be able to key in on positively under certain circumstances. Not so with Billy Lynn. 48 humans who review movies for a living in some capacity or another sat through Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk and not only managed to avoid the urge to hurt themselves but actually thought it was good. I can’t get there, guys. I do not understand this insanity. There is not ONE SINGLE POSITIVE about this movie. It’s ugly, it’s cynical, the “artsy” touches are embarrassing to a filmmaker of Ang Lee’s pedigree, and there’s not a single performance within the movie that could be graded above “below average.” For a film supposedly rooted in reality, Billy Lynn is incredibly out of touch, bringing “fresh thoughts” to a world that long ago accepted the awfulness of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I’m not even sure why or how this movie got made in the first place. We’re all going to move on from 2016 and forget Billy Lynn ever existed (and judging by the total $1.7 million domestic box office, most people never knew about it in the first place) but I want it written in stone that this movie is an abomination and no one involved should escape unscathed.

1. Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice (Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Amy Adams)

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 27%

*SPOILERS AHEAD AND I DON’T CARE* I’ve rarely been angrier after a movie than I was with Batman V Superman and almost a full year on, I still get a little heated any time I really stop to give it some thought. More than anything else, Batman V Superman is a lesson in what happens when you turn over complete control of a big-ticket franchise to a filmmaker who has no clue what he’s doing and whose sensibilities are in direct opposition to approximately 80 percent of the population (and maybe even a higher percentage of critics). I don’t know what to say positively about BvS besides noting that Gal Gadot does make a good Wonder Woman, though she only occupies the screen for perhaps five total minutes. Most of Zack Snyder’s casting is questionable (Affleck MIGHT be a good Batman but not with Snyder’s), the rambling plot ranges from “incoherent” to “utterly stupid” (there is literally a trailer for upcoming DC films in the middle of the movie), and even the look of the movie, supposedly Snyder’s strong suit, is horrendous. Moreover, you can make an argument that there were worse movies in 2016 (and you might be right as this list is particularly strong in its awfulness) but I don’t think you can accurately make an argument that it isn’t the most wasteful movie of the year. That is to say, if you have Batman and Superman, two of the perhaps five biggest characters in all of American pop culture, and 300 million dollars to work with, it should be IMPOSSIBLE to make a movie that is anything worse than “okay.” How do you mess that up? If I have Batman and Superman, I should be able to make an “okay” movie with my iPhone. The opportunity lost here destroys any other movie this year and possibly any movie of the last ten years. I’m about 100 reasons into why BvS is so bad and I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the entire film and the entire battle between the titular characters, boils down to their mothers sharing the same name. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. I’m stopping now before I have another rage stroke.

The Most Anticipated Movies of 2017

A couple of quick primers for this list. First, many years ago I started breaking it down into two parts, one in January and the other in July, so that I could highlight more films and so that I didn’t stick my neck out for a movie that comes out in November, only to have that movie turn out to be a embarrassing disaster. So, for the sake of this list, “Part 1” includes the first six months of the year. Second, a trailer is vital to my anticipation level. I hate that the film industry feels like we NEED six trailers for every movie, each giving away more and more of the plot or atmosphere. But I am one who thinks you can tell a lot from a two-minute trailer, just in terms of feel and, sometimes, general quality. So if it doesn’t have a trailer, it isn’t eligible for this list. Third, as always, the first half of the year is usually pretty weak in comparison to the back half and thus, if something here turns out poorly, I’m want to blame its inclusion on the lack of options.

HONORABLE MENTION: All of the 2016 Movies That Inexplicably Come Out in 2017

I’m cheating a bit here as I am want to do on these lists. While limited release is the bane of my existence, it does make January more palatable. A Monster Calls, Hidden Figures, Patriot’s Day, and The Founder all receive wide releases in January after actually debuting in 2016 and I have various levels of excitement for all of them (not to mention even smaller movies like Silence and Paterson).

10. The Mummy (June 9) – Tom Cruise, Sofia Boutella, Russell Crowe

“Anticipate” might be a strong word for this one but “Top 8 Most Anticipated Movies of 2017 Plus 2 More That Might Be Okay” doesn’t have the best ring to it. For The Mummy, I’m most interested in two things: One, can this be a solid launching point for a full reboot of the old Universal monster movies? And two, will Tom Cruise actually become a mummy in order to win the approval of his viewers? Fingers crossed on both fronts!

9. The Circle (April 28) – Emma Watson, John Boyega, Tom Hanks

I read this book a couple years ago and I thought it was really good…up until the last 100 pages or so when I couldn’t wait for it to end. That said, I think the material is very cinematic and it should make a better movie than it did a book. This is a big year for Emma Watson (see below) and I’m very excited to see her and Boyega play off of one another.

8. Life (March 24) – Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds, Rebecca Ferguson

Highbrow sci-fi with a big budget is right up my alley and the trailer for Life provides a great glimpse into the film without giving too much away. This could definitely go wrong fast but if Daniel Espinosa can keep the action moving while playing to the intelligence of the audience, I think this could be a big hit.

7. Beauty and the Beast (March 17) – Emma Watson, Luke Evans, Dan Stevens

I’m still not sure we need a shot-for-shot live action remake of a classic that’s not even 30 years old but then again, every viewing of the trailer gets me a little more hyped. That score…so good. I’m really looking forward to this one, I just hope the trailer is designed for nostalgia and in the end, Beauty and the Beast follows the path of Cinerella and The Jungle Book by differentiating itself somewhat from the animated feature. We’ll see!

6. Kong: Skull Island (March 10) – Samuel L. Jackson, Brie Larson, Tom Hiddleston

I feel like Kong is the movie on this list that has the biggest chance of disappointing. It feels like there’s a lot riding on this one and King Kong hasn’t been a truly viable onscreen star in 80 years. (No offense to Peter Jackson’s King Kong which I quite liked at the time but has virtually no cultural cache 12 years down the line.) The success of Godzilla a few years ago, however, has me hoping we can see a similar renaissance for Kong.  

5. The Lego Batman Movie (February 10) – Will Arnett, Michael Cera, Ralph Fiennes

I didn’t know how badly I needed a Lego Batman movie with Will Arnett and Michael Cera in my life until it was announced and then it was kind of all I could think about for few weeks. I’m not sure what there is to NOT love about this even if Lord and Miller are too busy preparing a Star Wars movie to direct this one. Hoping we get at least three Arrested Development jokes hidden in here to play off the reunion of Arnett and Cera.

4. Alien: Covenant (May 19) – Katherine Waterston, Michael Fassbender, James Franco

If Kong is the riskiest bet on this list, I’d say Alien follows close behind. The foundation is there, I think the story is there, and it has the tools to be a GREAT sci-fi blockbuster. The trailer gives the appearance that Ridley Scott is taking this franchise back to its horror roots and after Prometheus (a seriously flawed movie that I quite enjoyed), I’d say that’s a huge step in the right direction. But are we getting “Engaged Ridley Scott” (The Martian) or “Totally Checked Out Ridley Scott” (every other movie he’s made for the last decade)? And can Katherine Waterston carry a movie? Big questions, to be sure, but there’s also a HUGE payoff here if they get it right.  

3. The Fate of the Furious (April 14) – Vin Diesel, The Rock, Charlize Theron

Guys. Dom has lost it. He LITERALLY turned his back on family, the one thing he swore he’d NEVER do. His moral compass is out of whack! How are Hobbs and the gang going to get their boy back in the fold?! And more importantly, HOW ARE THEY GOING TO USE DODGE CHARGERS TO PULL A SUBMARINE THROUGH ARCTIC ICE?! So many questions. I’ve been sitting up at night, mulling over how Dom could betray his family and his cinematic family. April cannot get here fast enough. We’ve got to get some answers.

2. Logan (March 3) – Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Boyd Holbrook

This is it, my friends. I know I’m setting myself up for failure. I know I’ve been hurt in the past. But I’ve convinced myself this our time. We are FINALLY getting the Wolverine movie that we, and Hugh Jackman, deserve. Just in time for Jackman to ride off into the sunset and hand the claws over to a new generation! I love this trailer. I could watch it a hundred times and my anticipation would not be diminished. Logan is the perfect story to tell in a Wolverine movie and by all accounts, this is the right approach for the material. Please don’t hurt me again, sir.

1. Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 (May 5) – Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista

I didn’t really know what to expect from Guardians back in 2014. I was excited, I loved the look and the cast, but having no knowledge of the source material, it seemed like a strange property and I wasn’t certain it would find an audience. Great prognosticating there, Brian. We all know the rest, Guardians was a smash hit both with audiences and critics, and it was also, I think, the most fun I’d had in a theater in a decade. Not sure how Volume 2 can top that but I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO GIVE IT THE CHANCE!!! Seriously, that trailer is fantastic and there is no way adding Kurt Russell AND Sylvester Stallone to the cast could possibly hurt. Let’s just skip to May and do this thing right now.

2016 TV Pilots Primer

Fall is upon us, dear friends, and that means football, changing weather (just kidding, I live in Texas, today it was 99 degrees), and, of course, TV pilots. As an ardent supporter of TV in general and an irredeemable completest, there was a time when I looked forward to the pilot season with great fervor, a task to complete involving a medium I quite enjoy. That time seems a bygone age. Each year, due to a combination of a horribly inefficient system, a failure to understand the reality of what ratings look like in the current environment, and a staggering number of TV options across a vast cable landscape, the product of the pilot process gets a little worse. Among the 25 plus shows debuted by the five networks, only nine shows from 2014’s pilot season received a second season, which includes The Mysteries of Laura, a show that I hold directly responsible for the election mess we’re in right now for having made America dumber by its very existence. 2015 also managed only nine successes, including Supergirl which had to switch networks. Combine these factors and you wind up with a collection of new pilots that almost all seem doomed for failure which will, in turn, lead to an even more watered down selection of shows this time next year. We are undoubtedly living in the darkest timeline. But, still, I persist and I invite you to join me in the torment, if for no other reason than it’s so terribly cold here and I long for your company.

NOTE: At the time of this writing, both of the FX shows (Atlanta, which is excellent, and Better Things, which I haven’t seen yet) have already debuted so they are not included. Likewise, I skipped the Amazon offerings, partly because some have debuted and partly because the Amazon format is still in flux and doesn’t quite fit in this space yet, at least in my mind.

PLEASE BE GOOD. PLEASE BE GOOD. PLEASE BE GOOD.

Once upon a time this section might’ve been titled, “The good shows I think will be good and hopefully do good with the viewers and critics so they can stay on the air.” But I’ve been broken and thus, I simply cross my fingers and hope for okay-ness.

The Good Place (NBC, September 19)

There’s a lot to like about this one, including Kristen Bell, a Fargo-invigorated Ted Danson, and creator/showrunner Michael Schur. Of course, these are all reasons why it could also get the axe six weeks in. Bell probably isn’t a star, Danson probably doesn’t bring in any friends of Becker, and every show Schur has ever been involved with struggles in the ratings. I *think* NBC wants to be in the Schur business after missing on Brooklyn 9-9 but I’m not totally convinced The Good Place will get the time it needs to find an audience.

Designated Survivor (ABC, September 21)

I think TV is a better place when Keifer Sutherland is appearing weekly. Sure, I’d rather he just take down ISIS or something as Jack Bauer but I can’t blame him for wanting to do something else. I don’t have a whole lot of faith in Survivor being all that good but I’m pulling for its success. Also here’s hoping Kal Penn’s character dies quickly because even in the trailer he. Is. TERRIBLE.

Luke Cage (Netflix, September 30)

This is easily the safest bet of the entire pilot season. Netflix’s leadership gets it, Luke Cage already has a strong following thanks to the comics and his appearance on Jessica Jones, and the full season drop allows for a cultural moment that most of these shows can only dream of. Mike Colter is excellent in the titular role, too, and I think he’s about to seize the day with this one.

Son of Zorn (FOX, September 25)

Basically the 180 opposite of Luke Cage in that there’s almost no way this makes it through a full season. Personally, I think the trailer is great and I’m all in on the concept. But it’s way too micro to make it in prime time on network TV. The only hope is that the critics embrace Zorn and FOX feels pressure to keep it around as part of an unseen-but-brilliant comedy block with Last Man on Earth.

Westworld (HBO, October 2)

The bad news is, the production of Westworld has been a long-gestating mess. The good news is, the production of Westworld has been a long-gestating mess and HBO continues to stand by it. HBO doesn’t tend to dump bad money after good and they’ve been very steadfast about this one, the origins of which reside in a fun-if-forgotten movie of the same name.

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME

This section is reserved for the shows I think have a chance to be a hit with either viewers, critics, or both but don’t appeal to me personally.

This Is Us (NBC, September 20)

I’m not totally opposed to This Is Us and I think, if it’s given time to mature, it could fill the Parenthood void left in so many people’s hearts. I just happen to not be one of those people. This has great bones (a solid if unproven cast, creators and writers I appreciate, etc.) but the trailer is just so pander-y that my eyes involuntarily start rolling.

Insecure (HBO, October 9)

I acknowledge up front that the following assessment is completely unfair and I feel bad about it. But I was interested in Insecure until I heard someone in the know describe it as, “Girls for African-Americans” and I…I just don’t hate anything as much as I hate Girls and now that’s all I can think about Insecure comes up and I can’t shake it. I’m sorry, okay?

Channel Zero (SYFY, September 27)

I love the idea of anthology series so much. Pretty much sight unseen, I’ll back any anthology series the networks want to throw at us. It’s a great medium. I want less than nothing to do with CreepyPasta, however, and thus, I’m not sure I’ll even make it through one episode of Channel Zero even though, in principle, I’m all for it.

Pitch (FOX, September 22)

I like the talent involved here and of all the, “Woman makes it to a men’s professional sports league” concepts over the years, this one (a young pitcher who throws a screwball/knuckle-ball) makes the most sense. But Pitch also looks to be extremely over produced and I’m not sure I can handle all of the “I don’t like her because she’s a girl” and “You don’t think I can do it because I’m a girl” statements that are bound to fill up the dialogue of the first few episodes.

The Exorcist (FOX, September 23)

Anyone who listens to our shows knows how squeamish I am about horror movies, demons and witchcraft especially. So it should come as no surprise that a show based on the greatest horror movie of all-time (which I think is actually a decent idea) is not my cup of tea.

THIS CAN’T BE GOOD. BUT MAYBE…

The shows that probably can’t be good because of one factor or another (bad casting, bad formatting, inevitable network interference) but that have something going for them that MIGHT shine through.

Lethal Weapon (FOX, September 21)

I don’t actually think Lethal Weapon can be good, based on the casting and the horrible “look how much cool attitude we have” trailer. But I also don’t think it’s a bad idea, at least in theory. TV is better when cop shows are prevalent on the networks and we’re currently low on quality cop shows. So, yeah, this one probably isn’t a quality cop show but I’m open to the idea that perhaps it should exist.

American Housewife (ABC, October 11)

I honestly can’t imagine that I am personally going to love American Housewife. The format kinda bums me out but I really, really like Katy Mixon and I think she’s the perfect face for this show. American Housewife needs to tap into the energy of The Goldbergs and Modern Family in order to be successful but it seems like ABC is trying to push it more toward a CBS-style show instead. If it can weather the early storm, this could work. I’m rooting for it, anyway. 

No Tomorrow (CW, October 4)

The tagline (“A risk-adverse quality-control assessor who falls for a free-spirited thrill seeker only to find out he lives his life this way because he believes the apocalypse is coming”) is terrible. The trailer…is…not…so…bad… I don’t know, maybe I’m just tainted by Jane the Virgin which thoroughly surprised me with its goodness but No Tomorrow has a little charm to it that MIGHT make it fun. 

Falling Water (USA, October 13)

USA has been quietly making shows that range from “decent to good” for quite some time but now Mr. Robot has pushed the network into a grander position (and rightly so). Falling Water wants to build upon (or at least draw from) that newfound prestige but to me, it looks too convoluted to work without perfect execution. “Perfect execution” is virtually impossible in this situation, though, so I think this fails in spite of its interesting premise. 

Aftermath (SYFY, September 27)

If Aftermath was being housed by, say, AMC, I’d be much higher on its possibilities. I’m a known mark for all things post-apocalyptic and this certainly fits the bill. But, as much as I like the direction SYFY is trying to take, the network is still a dumping ground for decent ideas filled out by weaker actors and weaker still effects. The short trailer for Aftermath leads me to believe it’ll be just another in a long chain of SYFY shows that have a decent, multi-level run that I’ll never stick with.

Timeless (NBC, October 3)

Okay, this can’t be good, you guys. It just can’t. There’s no way. Not a chance. And yet…people I trust have been weirdly excited about it? And people who have seen the pilot has been relatively kind about it? And I like both Abigail Spencer and Malcolm Barrett? So…maybe Timeless actually can be decent?

Speechless (ABC, September 21)

I had this one much lower on the list initially based on the HORRENDOUS TV spots and the fact that (*whispers*) I really do not like Minnie Driver. But the full trailer shows the heart of the show that might possibly break through all of the cringing that will undoubtedly swallow up the first two acts of the pilot. If Speechless gets decent ratings early, it’s not impossible to suggest that it finds its way through the course of a whole season and comes out strong for season two.

NOPE.

These offerings almost certainly cannot be good and will not take away more than one hour of my life.

Frequency (CW, October 5)

Of all the movies that came out in 2000, the Jim Caviezel-Dennis Quaid starrer Frequency would’ve been pretty low on my list of films to be rebooted into a series in 2016. (This would, indeed, be a very specific list you would’ve ostensibly asked me to create in 2000.) It’s nothing against Frequency, a movie I remember fondly if distantly. It just seems an odd project to reboot and even if this is successful initially, I don’t see how it manages to squeeze out a long run with any staying power.

Conviction (ABC, October 3)

“What if Scandal was whiter and didn’t have Shonda Rhimes writing and producing?” That seems to be the tag line for Conviction. I love Hayley Atwell and unfortunately I think she’s significantly better than what she is about to be put through. It’s possible that Conviction finds its way at some point but I’m not sure how I’ll even be able to stomach the pilot.

Eyewitness (USA, October 16)

Eyewitness has a well-regarded source material but everything about it screams, “Super generic cable crime drama.” From the rehashed cast on down to the bland color palette of the trailer, everything about this seems bored.

Van Helsing (SYFY, September 23)

Can we please, as a society, stop trying to make Van Helsing a thing? It didn’t work for Hugh Jackman, it didn’t work for Daniel Radcliffe, and it won’t work for SYFY. Oh, this time it’s based around a female descendant of Van Helsing? *Yawn* Stop it. Stop it now.

Man with a Plan (CBS, October 24)

I have had numerous conversations with my friends (this is an actual true statement, I’m not making it up) concerning which person from the cast of Friends we’d most like to hang out with. I argue FERVENTLY for Matt LeBlanc every time. I love the guy. That said I don’t need to see Matt LeBlanc in a CBS sitcom, especially one that features the tagline, “A dad finds out that parenting is harder than he thought after his wife goes back to work and he’s left at home to take care of the kids.” Quite the hot, fresh take from CBS, right?

I AM ACTIVELY ROOTING FOR YOUR FAILURE

Now You See Me sequels notwithstanding, I generally try not to fill my heart with hate toward movies or TV shows before I’ve seen them. Well, I tried and failed with these little gems. Also, it should be noted that I thought CBS was making strides in the last couple of years toward appealing to viewers who are not in their 50s but nope, I was wrong.

Divorce (HBO, October 9)

I considered putting Divorce in the “It’s Not You, It’s Me” category since I’m clearly not the target audience for this thing. But you know what, I can’t think of many things worse than watching Sara Jessica Parker and Thomas Hayden Church, equally insufferable, go through a divorce.

MacGyver (CBS, September 23)

This looks like the most CBS drama-y show of all time. Like, MacGyver might just be a greatest hits of scenes from CBS dramas past cut together into one giant eye punch. Also, how dare you try to reinvent MacGyver, CBS, when we already have MacGruber. This means war.

Notorious (ABC, September 22)

Here’s a good rule to live by: if your show or movie depends on Piper Perabo in order to succeed, then guess what, your show or movie doesn’t need to exist. (With apologies to Ms. Perabo who, I’m sure, is a great person.) I honestly couldn’t even finish the trailer for this one.

Pure Genius (CBS, October 27)

This is basically just an incredibly generic version of House. And that’s good, because the part of House that most people seemed to like was definitely not its edgy, moody, mean spirited title character, right? My goodness, what an awful trailer. Also, we should probably stop casting Dermot Mulroney in any TV show and while we’re at it, let’s include Dylan McDermott in that as well.

Bull (CBS, September 20)

“Hey you wanna watch a show about the early career of Dr. Phil?” “Nope.”

The Great Indoors (CBS, October 27)

There comes a time in every TV actor’s life when he has to ask himself, “Do I want to keep chasing this dream of creating quality shows that broader audiences won’t watch or do I want to get paid by CBS?” That’s the spot Joel McHale has found himself in, apparently. I like McHale and I think he’s better than CBS sitcoms but I definitely KNOW he’s better than THIS CBS sitcom. If you can sit through the trailer for The Great Indoors and feign excitement then we probably can’t be friends.

Kevin Can Wait (CBS, September 17)

This has to stop. The long national nightmare that is the proliferation of Kevin James’s career continues to wreak havoc on our society and honestly, the damage it’s doing to all of us is incalculable. Think of all the transgressions Kevin James has committed against us. Paul Blart. The Zookeeper. Pixels. Grown Ups. Here Comes the Boom. James supporters will cite King of Queens as a quality entry and to those people I say, FOR SHAME! SHAME! That show is AWFUL and would be widely recognized for its awfulness were it not for the presence of actually funny comedians in the cast, like Jerry Stiller and Patton Oswalt. We will stop you, Kevin James. Somehow, someway, we WILL stop you. To arms! To arms!