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I meet Mr. Snyder at an undisclosed swanky LA eatery, an establishment he frequents for brunch/hangover recovery. It is 11:30 am and I can see the bags under his eyes in spite of the $800 sunglasses (he keeps the price sticker on the left side of the glasses). He is in good spirits, though he speaks with the speed of a man who is forcing his brain to conjure each and every word through a haze of Jagermeister and vapor smoke. He apologizes profusely for his late arrival (30 minutes is nothing in this business, I assure him) then quickly responds to a text from his good buddy, Doug Ellin. Our food arrives promptly (ricotta omelet and coffee for me, branzino and three Mega Monster Energy drinks for him) and with a smirk and a crack of the knuckles, he indicates that he is ready for our interview to begin. 
Let’s just get right down to it. Is that cool? 
Yeah, bruh, let’s do this.
The reception for Batman V Superman wasn’t exactly positive. 
Well the entire concept of positive and negative is really kind of lost on me. A movie a made a few years back, and this was a freaking sick movie, was called Sucker Punch. Just, awesome babes—actually, funny story, I cast Emily Browning because I thought she was that Orbitz chick. I always had a thing for that Orbitz chick. Anyway, this movie, it was after this super lame Owl movie the studio made me adapt from a dumb kids book, so I decide I need to get back to my artistic center so I make this just balls out Sucker Punch flick and the movie just straight up rules. So like 3 years later I’m on Rotten Tomatoes and I see that Sucker Punch is at 26% and I’m like “I KNOW this movie is awesome, this is weird.” So I call Rotten Tomatoes and they explain their algorithm to me and it’s just like super confusing or whatever so I just hang up midway and I’m like, what is really even the point of these reviews? Like Batman V Superman is like 28% on Rotten Tomatoes. You know who else was number 28? Marshall Faulk, and that guy was sick. He was equal parts a threat in the run and pass game. Critics just don’t understand the stories I’m trying to tell and the scale through which I’m telling those stories.
But, in fairness, the movie didn’t score much better with general audiences, either.
But what does the word “general” even mean? It’s like General Robert E. Lee is a huge hero of mine. Great tactician, leader, thinker, but that bro totally fought on the side of slavery—which, I want to get this across in your piece bro, I’m totally anti-slavery. Wayne Brady is a close, personal friend of mine. Anyway , you could say that General Lee was generally a good general, but you’re going to have your qualms with him. People can say the same about my movies. I’ll totally own up to that.
I’m not entirely sure how to respond to that, but how would you respond to the viewers (not critics, I mean the average moviegoer) who disliked the film?
It’s maybe just not made for you, that’s all I’d say. Not every movie is for everyone or whatever.
Just before BvS debuted, there was a great deal of talk surrounding a supposed R-rated director’s cut. During production, did you feel like you were making the movie you wanted to make? And if so, do you think your movie would’ve been better received?
Look, I don’t like to get caught up too much in ratings. I think it’s archaic, arbitrary, and silly in the age of the internet. Kids can see like, totally messed up stuff with the push of a button, so why do demand all super hero movies be PG 13? Right? It just seems dumb to me. Obviously I would have liked more piss-jar in the flick, but in a studio setting, you have to give up somethings. It sucks, but overall, yeah the movie is pretty dope.
One of the bigger issues fanboys had with the film is the character design for Batman. He seemed less like the Caped Crusader and more like a masochistic serial killer. In hindsight, would you pull back a bit from that or is that the Batman you prefer?
I think if he was like 10% more jacked—and I talked to Ben about this—I think if he’s just more jacked, like super, super cut but still with a lot of body mass. Like, do you remember the wrester Scott Steiner?
Well you should Google him, he was definitely what I wanted Ben to look like. I think if he was just super cut then people would understand and overlook some of the short comings. Scheduling-wise, we just couldn’t get Ben that jacked in time. That one is totally on me. I’ll own that.
In the wake of BvS’s truncated box office run, there has been some reshuffling at Warner Brothers and DC. Where does that leave you?
It leaves me as a super good looking rich guy in a great town making movies I want to make.
Got it. Let’s talk about Lex Luthor. What…what were you thinking?
Have you seen Now You See Me? I needed a brain like that in my movie. I like the concept of Jesse being totally in control of that movie. He’s totally a master of his magic craft, and Lex has to be just as brilliant. I just love that movie, if that’s on TNT, I will seriously throw like 5 models out of my house and just sit and watch it.

Just to clarify, do you think Jesse Eisenberg is an actual wizard based on the movie Now You See Me?
Who am I to say really? You know? He's not like a Gandalf or anything, but he's not Otto Porter either! Right?! 

Is it true that you required the entire cast to participate in Crossfit events in between shoots?
I wouldn’t say it was full on Crossfit because I’m not entirely certified, but it was a pretty intense work out. Another big hero of mine is Billy Blanks, the Tae Bo founder. I just want to have that vibe on my sets. Fitness and adherence to strict rules lead to a great set atmosphere and a sick finished product—not to mention being totally cut which models and regular chicks like.
It’s pretty clear that Ben Affleck is the most jacked Batman but who wins in an arm wrestling match: you or Christopher Nolan?
Ha. Chris is a close personal bro so I won’t so anything, but I think we both know! HAHAHA
::At this point Mr. Snyder laughs for two and a half minutes and takes a MASSIVE hit from his vape pen. I lose him in steam for another minute::
There you are, fantastic. Let's talk about Amy Adams. Amy is, by all accounts, a brilliant actress and a lovely person. How do you manage to make her so insufferable in your movies?
Well you can’t have Lois suffer too much, right? I mean, at the end of the day, that role—and all female roles—are essentially built to be damsels in distress. Except for my movie Sucker Punch which I mentioned earlier. In that movie the WOMEN are the heroes. Can you even imagine that!? Haha!! Seriously, I’ll get you a Blu Ray. But back to your question, we need to have Lois suffer, so she’s not totally insufferable but…
That’s not what that means, but let’s just move on. Can you confirm that you kicked Seth Grahame-Smith off of The Flash because his dead lift was “super weak”?
Totally untrue. And that actually pisses me off that this is spreading around. He’s not a huge guy, but his dead lift really wasn’t bad compared to his BMI. It was his Split Jerk and Snatch lifts that were seriously embarrassing. Can’t have a hero that doesn’t even have proper Split Jerk form.
I’ve heard you want to do a dramatic retelling of the American Revolution when you’re through with Justice League. Are there any other beloved characters, stories, or properties you’d like to ruin before Hollywood wises up and stops letting you make movies?
Well that rap version of Hamilton is pretty big so I thought it might be sick to do a James Madison biopic but set entirely to house music. Diplo is a friend of...Wait...Are you seriously coming at me bro? I was going to buy your breakfast. Seriously, I’ll make a great movie about myself tagging your sister! Armie Hammer is in talks to play me!
*Snyder lunges across the table, fist drawn*

Wait wait wait! Before you punch me, you should know: my sister’s name is Martha!

by Richard Bardon & Brian Gill